I'm not proud of the fact. I'm actually really upset that I did it. But I'd just spoken to the Funeral Director about Dad's funeral, and I was looking for a document to show Dad's last job title before he retired. And Mum started banging on about some Nashville tickets, while I was feeling under pressure to find that letter.
I know that time is collapsing for Mum, so if something needs doing, it needs doing *now*. So it is the dementia, not Mum, which is causing all of this. And I shouted at her, telling her that finding Dad's letter was the more important issue. I didn't swear, but I was conscious that I was shouting. And I knew at the time that it really wouldn't help anything, but I was feeling really pressured.
Yesterday was tough; I had to discuss the plans for Dad's funeral with the Funeral Director as well as register his death. And watching Mum slowly disappear isn't particularly easy either...
Watching Mum "forget" how to make a cup of tea, and "forget" people's names, and "forget" events is sad & painful. She is essentially still there, but she can't express herself properly, and she can't follow an argument. She needed help with paying a cheque into the bank on Monday. That would be something she could do without thinking about it even as recently as last year.
But it's not as though she has forgotten and can be reminded; it's like that piece of info has been permanently destroyed. An example is that she has forgotten the name of the woman who lives over the road, and as often as I tell her the lady's name is "Helen", she can't take that in. Even if she refers to Helen two minutes later, she won't be able to use Helen's name - because that info isn't in her head. Reminding her of the name doesn't help Mum, but it does help me keep a track of what Mum is thinking about and referring to.
Anyway, I raise my voice very rarely, and the fact that I did so yesterday, to my dementia-ridden Mum, was a bit of a wake-up call. I need to remember to take a breath next time, wait a beat, and then respond. That Calm subscription might come in handy after all...
TTFN.
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